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2005: The Year in HORROR
It’s now January ’06, meaning 2005 is officially over. It was an interesting year, chock full of natural disasters, political scandals, a seemingly never-ending war, at least one shocking counterculture celebrity suicide and, of course, lots of horror movies.
‘05 was also the year of the big Box Office Slump, which popular opinion blames on the quality, or lack thereof, of the year’s movies. Funny, as I found the movies of 2005 above average overall, at least compared with those of other recent years. World class filmmakers like David Cronenberg, Terry Gilliam, George Romero, Roman Polanski, Takashi Miike, Chanwook Park, Robert Rodriguez and Peter Jackson all had films released in 2005, and most were top notch. Of course, ‘05 also saw the release of quite a few downright shitty films, not to mention many everyone-liked-‘em-but-me horror flicks: UNDEAD, KONTROLL, DEAD BIRDS, HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE, HELLBENT and SAW II. Why did I dislike those films? See below.
The following encompasses my picks for the year’s best and worst horror films released in the US, theatrically or on DVD (advance screenings and film festival showings don’t count), and includes recommended non-genre and DVD releases, as well as an overview of Showtime’s MASTERS OF HORROR anthology series. As always, several eligible films managed to slip by me this year, including WHITE NOISE, CRY WOLF, CHAOS, DEAD AND BREAKFAST, ETERNAL, BOO and LIGHTING BUG. I can’t see everything, but did my best to make this year’s listings as thorough as possible. Let’s start with...
The Best Horror Movies of 2005:
1. A
HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
David Cronenberg’s latest was
apparently intended as a transition from his recent artsy features to a more
audience-friendly style, and the story, adapted from a graphic novel, is
standard stuff in many ways, a bit like TOTAL RECALL without the sci fi
wraparound. The film, however, is ultimately every bit as dark and strange as
CRASH or SPIDER. Far from a conventional thriller, it’s an unnerving
exploration of the dark impulses lurking within a seemingly contented family
man...and by extension you and I. Viggo Mortensen superbly essays said
character, a coffee shop owner who brutally puts down two killers in a sequence
that adroitly undercuts all the conventions of standard movie violence in its
astonishingly graphic bloodletting, and the way Cronenberg refrains from
providing a cathartic flourish (rather, the sequence concludes with a gruesome
close-up of a victim’s splattered face). The film continues in that vein, with
a deceptively quiet atmosphere periodically broken by bursts of unnerving
brutality as we’re made aware that Mortensen is actually a hitman with some
outstanding debts that need to be put in order. How this knowledge impacts his
family and surrounding community provides the bulk of the narrative; in the end
it’s left to us to decide whether Mortensen has managed to reconcile his violent
impulses with his quiet suburban life. A nasty, tension filled work, but also a
deeply thought-provoking one that raises quite a few uncomfortable questions
about aggression, family ties, the nature of evil and life itself. One of
Cronenberg’s best.
2. SIN
CITY
I don’t believe it! A comic book
inspired movie that, for once, retains all the style, artistry and sheer
outrageousness of its source material. Even more surprisingly, it was directed
by Robert Rodriguez, who I’ll confess I’d pretty much written off after those
crummy SPY KIDS movies and the absolutely awful ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO. SIN
CITY was adapted from a series of graphic novels written and illustrated by
Frank Miller, who co-directed the film. Inspired by the film noir movies of the
forties, Miller’s work is rendered in incredibly stark black and white
illustrations that wallow in violence and mayhem, pushing any number of noir
clichés to their most psychotic extremes. All that nastiness has been
transposed virtually intact to the film, which features more acts of violence
than just about any other recent movie I can think of. At the same time,
though, it plays more like an art film than a traditional actioner, with
insanely stylized black and white imagery dotted with carefully chosen splashes
of color. The results are fascinating and appropriately over-the-top, and come
complete with a large cast--Mickey Rourke, Rosario Dawson, Brittany Murphy,
Bruce Willis, Michael Madsen, Josh Hartnett, Rutger Hauer, Elijah Wood and Carla
Gugino--who clearly understand and appreciate the tone of the piece. If I have
a complaint (a muted one, rectified on the DVD), it’s with the distracting three
part structure that tries to emulate PULP FICTION...and no surprise, as Quentin
Tarantino was a “guest director”. Still, taken as a whole the movie really
works, satisfying both the art film aesthete in me as well as the exploitation
movie sicko.
3. OLDBOY
Korean horror/mystery/martial arts
madness, an astonishing sensory assault and certainly one of the wildest, most
outrageous movies I’ve ever seen. It entertains through writer/director
Chanwook Park’s sheer cinematic virtuosity, but his filmmaking also has a sense
of playfulness that makes it a joy to watch. The story is totally nuts from
start to finish, being the undisciplined, ever-mutating account of a dude who’s
locked up for fifteen years in a tiny room for no reason he can fathom. He
eventually breaks out and goes in search of his captors, an odyssey that becomes
increasingly violent and surreal. There’s a strong indication this all might be
taking place entirely in the protagonist’s head, which would certainly explain
the wackiness and implausibility of the story...not that I really cared,
as there’s so much shock, bewilderment, surprise and sheer amazement to be had
from OLDBOY.
4. IZO
A new Takashi Miike film that seems
to have divided audiences even more than his work usually does: some proclaim it
a surreal masterwork while others have written it off as pretentious
cinemasturbation. I’m definitely with the former camp, though I will concede
the film’s haters may not be entirely wrong in categorizing it as complete
nonsense. If IZO is indeed that, however, it’s fascinating nonsense that’s
already inspired several repeat viewings. It’s even weirder than
GOZU, Miike’s
previous subconscious gorefest, and indeed pretty much anything else you can
think of. The ostensible storyline has Izo, a samurai, crucified by his
enemies, but somehow he’s brought back to life and becomes caught in a time warp
that thrusts him back and forth between feudal Japan and the here-and-now,
during which he confronts past and present foes in a series of blood-drenched
confrontations he always survives. That’s a broad outline of this film’s
hallucinatory narrative, the particulars of which will have to be sorted out by
individual viewers. Much blood is shed, with countless bodies beheaded, halved
and quartered. There’s also an entire sequence filmed upside-down and the most
audacious use of CGI I think I’ve seen in any film. Audacious is the key word
here: Miike is willing to try virtually anything, and, as in his other
films (his good ones, that is), creates an atmosphere that fully supports such
stream-of-consciousness insanity.
5. THE
DEVIL’S REJECTS
Rob Zombie’s sequel to his vastly
overrated HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES, THE DEVIL’S REJECTS is in every sense a
superior film, but also an appreciably more vile, satanic and flat out
disgusting one. It’s an affront to taste, decency, cleanliness, Christianity
and the FCC--is it any wonder I enjoyed it so much? Amidst all the obnoxious
PG-rated horror littering movieplexes, I find it downright refreshing the way
Zombie so gleefully pushes his R rating with oodles of sex, sadism and
foulness. I also liked the way the film doesn’t merely aspire to the level of
seventies-sploiters like THE CANDY SNATCHERS and
THE HILLS HAVE EYES but
actually channels their low rent essence, down to the handheld camerawork and
choppy editing that uneasily juxtaposes wide shots with extreme close-ups. It
opens with a brutal shootout led by William Forsythe as a corrupt cop looking to
take down the “Devil’s Rejects,” a family of psychos led by the deranged Captain
Howdy (played by seventies exploitation stalwart Sid Haig--other cast members
include Zombie’s sweetie Sherrie Moon, HELTER SKELTER’S Steve Railsback, THREE’S
COMPANY’S Priscilla Barnes, DAWN OF THE DEAD’S Ken Foree, HALLOWEEN’S P.J. Soles
and EATING RAOUL’S Mary Woronov). The shootout only nabs a few of the
rejects--the rest embark on a killing rampage with Forsythe in hot pursuit. The
Rejects here are the good guys (something that has deeply upset many critics),
although Zombie cleverly plays with our sympathy throughout, particularly toward
the end, with the standard lone-girl-pursued-by-a-maniac climax inverted by our
knowledge that the girl is actually several times more maniacal than her
attacker!
6. LAND
OF THE DEAD
While not the end-all zombie
masterpiece the pre-release publicity made it out to be, George Romero’s latest
living dead extravaganza is a blast, a gore-on-the-floor epic with a scope that
dwarfs those of all his previous films. Zombies, it seems, have completely
overrun the world, and a crazed millionaire, (over)played by Dennis Hopper, has
created a self enclosed society where the wealthy can take shelter. The
zombies, however, begin to organize themselves into a fighting unit, and all
Hell breaks loose. Despite its massive scale, this film has the same B-movie
feel as Romero’s previous work; that’s not a bad thing, mind you, as his
films are among the most important genre movies of the past century. LAND OF
THE DEAD, alas, has a somewhat rushed feel to it, with perfunctory
characterizations, quite a few underdeveloped plot points and a rather
disappointing climax. I had a damn good time nonetheless with all the action
and scares, an astounding gore quotient that dwarfs those of the DAWN OF THE
DEAD remake and 28 DAYS LATER combined, and Romero’s honest-to-goodness
political conscience. Best line: John Leguizamo as a mercenary getting bitten
by a zombie and observing how he’s “always
wanted to see how the other
half lives.”
7. THEY
CAME BACK [LES REVENANTS]
In direct contrast to the above, not
a whole lot actually happens in this French zombie fest, but it’s still
an incredibly vivid exercise in otherworldly disquiet. The setting is a small
town beset by dead folks who, as the title makes clear, come back. These aren’t
the traditional flesh-chompers of Romero and Fulci, but vacant-eyed, slow moving
freaks who are allowed to uneasily intermix with live humans. First time
director Robin Campillo gets a lot of mileage out of the sheer sense of
wrongness engendered by the sight of people who should be worm food walking
around and rubbing shoulders with the living, and makes many potent
socio-political points. But the film works best, I believe, as a
straightforward (if eccentric) creep fest, superbly made and dripping with
atmosphere.
8.
SIXTEEN TONGUES
Being the sick bastard I am, I
couldn’t help but enjoy the Hell out of this demented fever dream from no-budget
auteur Scooter McRae. I was never too impressed with McRae’s debut film, the
artsy zombie mash SHATTER DEAD (1993), but SIXTEEN TONGUES is something else: an
unrestrained cyberpunk splatter fest
of the type we’re used to seeing from
Asia. Like SHATTER DEAD, this project was shot on video with an outrageously
low budget, but by the end those were only minor annoyances. The story features
Adrian Torque, a disfigured cop who’s lost much of his skin but has had it
replaced with flesh from various peoples’ tongues, and Ginny Chin-Chin, an Asian
babe with clitorises implanted under her eyelids to keep her violent impulses at
bay. These two nutcases, together with Ginny’s lover Alice, who spends her days
plugging herself into an electrical outlet, enact a rage-and-lust fuelled
psychodrama in a futuristic hotel where porn is omnipresent. Thus viewers who
aren’t offended by the copious bloodletting, metal penis blowjobs, near constant
full frontal nudity, graphic S&M scenes (shot in an actual B&D club),
electrocutions and ejaculating blood (don’t ask) will no doubt be put off by all
the pornographic imagery visible on TV sets and posters pinned everywhere. No,
SIXTEEN TONGUES definitely ain’t for everybody, but those who can take it will
find a surprisingly thoughtful, artfully made descent into cyber madness, with a
superbly realized atmosphere of sordidness and sleaze.
9. BATMAN
BEGINS
For once the hype is correct: this
Batman prequel, detailing the caped crusader’s early years, is damn good, packed
with style, intelligence, excitement and heart. Finally, a film that puts the
DARK into the Dark Knight, with Christian Bale delivering a pitch-perfect
performance as the tortured Bruce Wayne, a.k.a. Batman, who embarks on a crime
fighting spree in the wake of his parents’ brutal murders. Gary Oldman offers
memorable support in a rare good guy part and Katie Holmes isn’t nearly as awful
as I was expecting in the obligatory girlfriend role. The director was
MEMENTO’S Christopher Nolan, who once again proves himself a filmmaker of
uncommon refinement and skill (although the overly chaotic action scenes leave
something to be desired). The film looks great and has a fantastic James Newton
Howard score that thankfully forsakes the Danny Elfman goofiness of the previous
films (let me just add here that I really wish people would stop
pretending Tim Burton’s ’89 BATMAN is some kind of masterpiece--it ain’t!). For
that matter, it leaves the nonsensical comic book stylings of most of this type
of fare far behind, and good riddance!
10. KING
KONG
This Peter Jackson special effects
spectacle is a beautifully made, deeply felt tribute to one of the most enduring
genre icons of all time. It’s also agonizingly protracted and self-indulgent.
Certainly the concept of a new wave monster mash is a good one, and Jackson is
definitely the guy to do it. His CGI Kong is probably the most expressive movie
monster I’ve ever seen, and KK’s battles with dinosaurs on Skull Island and
final rampage through New York City are wonders to behold. Also, Naomi Watts is
quite appealing in the Fay Wray role. But this is unlikely material for a
three-hour epic, and Jackson pads the film mercilessly; there are far too many
seemingly never-ending Kong-Watts stare downs, and the Empire State building
finale drags on for what seems like eons, to the point that when Kong finally
expired I was relieved the thing was finally over. Somehow I don’t think that
was the reaction Jackson, despite his valiant intentions, had in mind.
11. THE
ROOST
This horror no-budgeter, from
executive producer Larry Fessenden (of
HABIT and WENDIGO fame) and first time
writer-director Ti West, isn’t exactly original. In fact there’s nothing in it
that isn’t a cliché, but it’s done with such gusto I was more than
willing to go along with it. The narrative pivots on that most hackneyed of
horror movie happenings, the car filled with horny teens breaking down in a
rural area. It transpires that a brood of vampire bats are loose nearby,
leading to a skilled and effective mélange of shocks, laughs and grue. I don’t
know that I liked the black and white wraparound bits, with Tom Noonan as a
Zachary-esque TV host who introduces and at one point interrupts the
proceedings. These scenes add little to the film outside a gratuitous
post-modern angle meant, apparently, to gussy up the admittedly simple-minded
narrative. Thankfully, West manages to close out the Noonan bits--and the film
itself--with a satisfying jolt, which almost makes up for the annoyance they
cause.
12. CACHE
Austria’s Michael Haneke is one of
the least compromising filmmakers on the planet. His movies, which include THE
PIANO TEACHER, FUNNY GAMES, TIME OF THE WOLF and this singularly bleak thriller,
are frankly arty exercises in alienation and disconnection, yet Haneke is as
schematic in his approach as Hitchcock. The difference is that, while Hitch
liked to “play the audience like a piano”, Haneke’s apparent aim is simply to
fuck with his viewers. That’s evident in CACHE’S torturously long takes where,
often, nothing really happens, and then when something finally does occur it’s
in a part of the frame we can’t see. But prospective viewers shouldn’t get too
comfortable with the nonaction, as Haneke has a tendency toward jarring cuts
from darkness to light, silence to noise...and to sudden bursts of violence.
Indeed, CACHE contains what is without a doubt the single most shocking
moment in any film this year (and had the upscale
audience I viewed it with nearly
climbing the walls). The story? It involves Juliette Binoche and Daniel
Auteuil as a bourgeoisie couple who begin receiving video tapes on their
doorstep that show lengthy shots of the outside of their house. As the tapes
proliferate, their marriage begins to crumble and Auteuil has to face up to a
long-buried secret. Of course, that’s essentially the premise of David Lynch’s
LOST HIGHWAY, which brings up the main beef I have with Haneke: that his films,
despite their arty European pedigree, are fundamentally
not that different from
most American horror flicks, this one especially.
13.
SYMPATHY FOR MR. VENGEANCE [BOKSUNEUN NAUI GEOT]
Although OLDBOY hit US theaters
first, Chanwook Park’s SYMPATHY FOR MR. VENGEANCE was made earlier. In direct
contrast to the aforementioned film, this one is a bit too labored for its own
good. It’s still powerful stuff, being a wildly stylish account of a
kind-hearted but none-too-bright deaf man’s efforts to finance his dying
sister’s kidney transplant. He unwisely casts his lot with a band of illegal
organ peddlers, with disastrous results. This leads him to enact a hideous
revenge, but not before he’s committed an even dumber act: kidnapping the young
daughter of a wealthy CEO. Unfortunately for the protagonist, the girl drowns
on his watch, his sister commits suicide and the kid’s distraught father decides
to enact his own brand of revenge…which turns out to be even uglier than the one
visited on the organ sellers. As you might have guessed, this is EXTREMELY
morose, graphically violent stuff that takes the notorious brutality of Park’s
previous non-genre effort JSA (which also had its US debut this year) to
unheard-of extremes. I only wish Park weren’t so hung up on self conscious
stylization, which often makes this film a chore to watch.
14. WOLF
CREEK
This Australian exploiter is another
hard and nasty throwback to the genre flicks of the seventies, and one of the
year’s better examples of such (at least until the ending), utilizing handheld
camerawork and naturalistic lighting to continually startling effect. Based on
a real incident that occurred in 1999, the premise is a natural for an
exploitation flick: a guy and two chicks on a trip through the Australian
outback where--whouldn’t’cha know it?--their car breaks down. A
seemingly kindly resident shows up to lend them a hand (or so he claims),
leading to an incredibly intense series of escapes, captures and bloodletting of
the hard-R variety. It’s all superbly carried off, and the acting is definitely
above average; for once, the three protagonists actually seem like real people
(thankfully, there are no SMALLVILLE cast members here!). The one false note
occurs at the end, when, after all the over-the-top nastiness, the film
unexpectedly veers into Court TV mode, detailing the real, none-too-dramatic
outcome. This is pointless, considering most of the preceding action was
obviously based on conjecture (no bodies, after all, were ever found), and feels
like a cynical concession to something called the “True Crime Channel”, which
was one of the film’s principal backers. Good movie, crappy ending.
15. WAR
OF THE WORLDS
In WAR OF THE WORLDS Steven
Spielberg is back in a mean mood, forsaking the mawkish sentimentality of CLOSE
ENCOUNTERS and E.T. in favor of the relentlessness of DUEL and JAWS. By keeping
the focus narrow--on deadbeat father Tom Cruise and his two kids, as opposed to
the multi-character ensemble of something like INDEPENDANCE DAY--Spielberg
really brings out the horror-movie aspects of H.G. Welles’ classic tale of alien
invasion, complete with wholesale destruction, mass anarchy and even a SOPHIE’S
CHOICE-like decision Cruise has to make between his two brats. And yes, all
references to 9/11 are strictly intentional! In my view this PG-13 rated flick
could have used a bit more gore and slime (a la STARSHIP TROOPERS), and
the tacked on happy ending is dispiriting, but it doesn’t blunt the nastiness of
all that came before.
16. MAREBITO
I’m honestly not sure what to make
of this film, part of the year’s J-horror movie explosion. Directed by Takashi
Shimizu (of JU-ON and its Hollywood remake), it’s a seriously weird reverie that
starts out like an Eastern-styled PEEPING TOM and morphs into a NEAR DARK-like
vampire thriller. Shinya Tsukamoto (the real-life director of TETSUO and many
other essential films) plays a cameraman who becomes obsessed with horror and
death after he surreptitiously videotapes a man committing suicide. Rapidly
losing his already tenuous grip on reality, Tsukamoto descends into the bowels
of the Tokyo subway system and discovers a subterranean world where...but I
won’t reveal what he finds, as a large part of the film’s charm is its
unpredictability. Quite simply, it’s impossible to ever guess in what
direction the story is going to go. Adding to the oddness is the way it was
shot, on digital video in a distinctly voyeuristic fashion, as if
surreptitiously photographing the protagonist’s movements; it makes for an
interesting effect, and I really wish Shimizu had done more with it. No, the
film isn’t a complete success by any means, but it is damned intriguing.
17. GRIMM
This is the first of Dutch filmmaker
Alex Van Warmerdam’s films to receive any kind of US release outside the
festival circuit, even though the man has been at it nearly twenty years. GRIMM
is a twisted inversion on themes present in the fairy tales of the Brothers
Grimm, being the story of a brother and sister left by their impoverished
parents to fend for themselves in a scary forest; they end up on a nightmarish
journey across Spain, where they meet a number of eccentric people and suffer
all manner of indignity, including rape and organ removal. The film is
reminiscent of Matthew Bright’s FREEWAY flicks, but with a dreamy aura and
richly textured visuals that are all its own. It is not, however, Warmerdam’s
best work (that distinction, in my mind, would go to his brilliant surreal
comedy THE NORTHERNERS), laboring as it does under a deadly middle section,
depicting the heroine’s marriage to a rich scumbag, from which it never quite
recovers, leading to a “that’s it??” finale.
18. RED
EYE
Wes Craven partially redeems himself
after the disastrous CURSED with this preposterous but enjoyable thriller that
has pretty young thang Rachel McAdams menaced by deranged hit man Cilliam Murphy
on a plane. He wants her to use her hotel clerk job to check a diplomat and his
family into a seaside room so some guys on a boat can blow ‘em up. The story is
hopelessly ludicrous from start to finish (the screenplay never satisfactorily
explains why Murphy doesn’t nab McAdams before the plane takes off, which would
have saved a LOT of trouble), but don’t let that put you off. The film is
snappy and fast paced, the actors are game and, at a sprightly 85 minutes, it
never overstays its welcome--in other words, it’s everything KING KONG isn’t.
19.
MIRROR MASK
An eye-popper from screenwriter Neil
Gaiman and designer/director Dave McKean, best known for their comic book work
but in fact two of the most vital talents in or out of the graphic
medium. Their skills are put to excellent use in this mini-epic, set in an
amazing CGI universe that stretches the digital medium to its limits. It’s just
a shame that, with so much imaginative richness on display, Gaiman and McKean
couldn’t come up with a more interesting premise than the
ALICE IN
WONDERLAND-inspired one they’re stuck with about a little girl looking to save
her mother’s life. The opening and closing wrap-around sequences, showing said
girl’s life in a traveling circus, flat-out suck pure and simple. But
once the supernatural business starts up the film hits its stride: 15-year-old
Stephanie Leonidas is quite enchanting in the lead and the otherworldly
creatures and landscapes she encounters are without precedent in fantasy
cinema. The aforementioned ALICE IN WONDERLAND may have been the starting
point, but the proceedings are far closer in tone to George MacDonald’s “dream
romances” PHANTASTES and LILITH (both influences on ALICE), and indeed the film
is authentically dreamlike. In addition, it’s almost certainly the most
accomplished melding I’ve yet seen of live action characters into a purely
digital landscape...although I suspect it’ll look old hat in the coming years.
20.
RENEGADE [BLUEBERRY]
The year’s premiere guilty pleasure,
this is an expensive European production that’s so unbelievably self
indulgent, tripped out and plain wrong-headed it feels like something from the
late sixties. Adding to the effect is the multi-lingual cast, which includes
“names” like Michael Madsen, Vincent Cassell, Juliette Lewis, Ernest Borgnine,
Colm Meany and Tcheky Karyo, all crammed into a chaotic adaptation of the
Moebius western comic BLUEBERRY. It’s safe to say that the film’s lunatic
director Jan Kounen (DOBERMANN) leaves his stamp on the material, fashioning a
visually impressive swirl of gunplay and psychedelia. Apparently Kounen set out
to make a straightforward Western but then dropped some peyote and was so
impacted by the experience he decided to take the material in a different, more
psychedelic direction. This explains (but doesn’t excuse) the fact that the
characters are all woefully underdeveloped and the narrative a perfunctory
mess. What stand out are the plentiful hallucinations, which more often than
not involve creepy tantacled critters that wouldn’t look out of place in a
Stuart Gordon movie. You won’t find too many other westerns like RENEGADE--it’s
definitely the only oater I’ve seen where the hero and villain forego a final
shootout in favor of a psychic duel! Columbia snuck this cinemutation onto DVD
in early ’05, complete with generic western movie packaging; I can only imagine
how viewers who picked up the movie based on that packaging might have reacted!
21. THE
CARD PLAYER [IL CARTAIO]
Dario Argento’s latest is his best
in some time, even if it is a far cry from his finest work. It’s the demented
account of a nut who ties attractive women up and then forces the police to play
online poker with him; if he wins he kills his captives, but if the cops win he
lets them live. The shapely Stefania Rocca is eye-catching as a police
inspector toiling on the case, but lacks the acting chops needed to carry the
film. Thus THE CARD PLAYER lacks a strong center, although Argento works
overtime to create a suspenseful creepfest, with wildly kinetic camerawork and a
gripping narrative that undergoes quite a few invigorating twists before it’s
done. I have another complaint, this one having to do with the film’s US
distributor Anchor Bay, who for some reason deigned to release the film in its
original Italian language, instead putting out an English version marred by
hideous dubbing and extremely thick Italian accents. Rocca in particular is
nearly incomprehensible...although her vocals do have their charms, particularly
when she chastises an attacker by calling him a “worthlez pez’ve sheet!”
22. THE
FERPECT CRIME [EL CRIMEN FERPECTO]
The latest film by Spain’s Eloy De
La Iglesia, of THE DAY OF THE BEAST, DYING OF LAUGHTER and THE COMMUNITY fame, a
typically twisted black comedy about murder, obsession and madness set largely
in a big department store. A dude accidentally kills his asshole boss, which is
witnessed by an ugly lady co-worker who’s secretly in love with him; she
blackmails him, getting him to shack up with her until he loses his mind
completely and decides to off her. In common with Iglesia’s previous films,
it’s filled with extremely broad comedy that works more often than not (hiding
the boss’s corpse by outfitting it as a mannequin is a touch I particularly
enjoyed) and the film has all the morbid flair that really distinguishes
Iglesia’s work. Something that really annoyed me, however, was US distributor
Vitagraph Films’ inexplicable title change, to the generic PERFECT CRIME,
whereas the original title THE FERPECT CRIME conveys the film’s loopy
charms far more eloquently.
23. PULSE
[KAIRO]
One of an avalanche of Kiyoshi
Kurosawa films to hit the US in the last couple years, PULSE is an incredibly
frustrating experience, a finely crafted, artfully photographed J-horror fest
that should be a classic. Kurosawa demonstrates, not for the first time,
that he really knows how to make a horror movie. He also shows, again not for
the first time, that he likes a healthy dose of ambiguity. Fine, but here it’s
difficult to tell how much of that ambiguity was intentional, as the story is
often downright incoherent. It involves an alternate world of ghosts seeping
into ours via an unearthly internet program accessed by a group of dopey teens.
There are some truly SCARY bits, but they’re often marred by indulgent direction
(example: an apparition appearing in an arcade, all-but-ruined by the fact that
the shot is held too long). Good stuff that had the potential to be great.
24. THE
EYE 2 [JIAN GUI 2]
The Pang Brothers once again impress
with this sequel to their chick-who-sees-ghosts chiller THE EYE. This film
spins a new yarn with familiar themes: a pregnant woman survives a suicide
attempt, which enables her to see things nobody else can. This leads to some
genuinely chilling imagery, most notably the sight of a ghost swimming through
the air and into a woman’s open legs. The narrative, alas, never advances much
beyond the tried and true ROSEMARY’S BABY formula, and the heroine is a bit
unsympathetic--among other annoyances, she tries to kill herself a few too many
times.
25.
THREE...EXTREMES
Anthology films tend suck IMO--this
one is above average, but still something of a disappointment. It pairs Korea’s
Chanwook Park, of OLDBOY and SYMPATHY FOR MR. VENGEANCE fame, with Japan’s
foremost cinematic madman Takashi Miike. Hong Kong’s Fruit Chan rounds out the
trio, and delivers what is easily the weakest segment, a misogynistic ramble
about an evil woman who makes dumplings from the flesh of aborted fetuses. I
understand a feature-length version of this 35-minute film exists, which
hopefully rectifies the cluttered narrative. Park’s segment is next, and it’s
the stand-out, a delirious Lynchian nightmare about a moviemaker taken hostage
by a psychotic extra from one of his films. The psycho bounds the director to
the wall of a freaked out movie set that looks like the red room from TWIN
PEAKS, where the guy’s wife is chained to a piano and stands to get all her
fingers chopped off unless her hubbie strangles a kidnapped child. While this
peerlessly demented little film isn’t up to the high standards set by Park’s
features, it’s still an unforgettable piece of work that adequately demonstrates
its creator’s command of the medium. I’m not sure what to make of the ending,
however, which involves a sudden identity switch...or perceived identity
switch...or something. Speaking of which, Takashi Miike’s segment contains an
even more puzzling finale. Otherwise, though, it’s fairly impressive, being a
subtly unnerving account of a woman haunted by a childhood incident in which she
shut her sister in a tiny box as part of a circus stunt that went horribly
wrong. Years later she’s haunted by her sister’s ghost...or is she? The
ending, you can be sure, raises more questions than the bulk of the episode.
26.
WALLACE AND GROMIT IN THE CURSE OF THE WERE-RABBIT
The first official WALLACE AND
GROMIT feature. I liked the initial W&G shorts by England’s Aardman Studios
(which sadly burned to the ground during this film’s opening weekend), but was
lukewarm on their feature CHICKEN RUN, which suffered from excessive cutesiness
and too many wink-wink movie references. Guess what? This film is filled to
the brim with both. Luckily it contains all the energy and imagination we’ve
come to expect from Aardman, boasting a nutty story filled with neat science
fictionish inventions and state of the art claymation. Here Wallace performs
some kind of mind meld with a bunny, resulting in a “were-rabbit” that devours
every crop in sight. The action, as expected, is fast and furious, particularly
in the ultra-intense rooftop-set climax. I only hope Aardman gets itself up and
running again soon, as this film, enjoyable though it is, leaves much room for
improvement!
27. HIGH
TENSION [HAUTE TENSION]
Proof that the French can make
horror movies every bit as mindless and silly as those put out by Hollywood.
HIGH TENSION is a PSYCHO/TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE/HITCHER pastiche about two
young women staying at one of their family’s homes in the countryside. A burly
psycho breaks in and commences slaughtering everyone in sight in a variety of
creatively gruesome ways (i.e. jamming a guy’s neck in a stairway banister and
decapitating him with a heavy bureau). There’s a chase through the countryside,
with one of the young women tracking her buddy, who’s been kidnapped by the
freak…and there’s a totally unbelievable twist. Much like its stateside
contemporaries, what redeems this terminally stupid film is the energy and
enthusiasm with which it was made, along with a cheerful willingness to go clear
over the top in the gore department.
28. HELLAVATOR:
THE BOTTLED FOOLS [GUSHA NO BINDUME]
From Japan, a wacky sci fi/horror
flick about a bunch of disparate people trapped in a vast elevator when two
homicidal prisoners board, whose presence turns the proceedings into a gory
free-for-all. The art direction is bold and imaginative, achieved on what was
clearly a very tight budget, and director Hiroki Yamaguchi has a strikingly
off-kilter visual style (and doesn’t skimp on the red stuff!). Overall the film
has a verve and energy that favorably recall cult classics like TETSUO and
PINOCCHIO 964. Less enchanting is the cluttered narrative, which insists on
introducing a superfluous conspiracy subplot that does nothing but distract from
the main action, and unfavorably spotlights Yamaguchi’s amateur status.
29. KOMA
A confession: after years of
championing Asian horror thrillers, I find I’m beginning to lose interest. This
Hong Kong genre piece is a case in point. It’s extremely well made, certainly,
and has a unique and intriguing story about two women drawn together amidst an
ominous atmosphere of human organ buying and selling. The leads--Karena Lam
from INNER SENSES and Lee Sinje from THE EYE--are easy on the eyes, and the
direction by Lo Chi-Leung is quite slick...but therein lies the problem. Slick
Asian thrillers are a dime a dozen these days, and KOMA ultimately doesn’t look
or play all that different from the countless other Hong Kong, Japanese and
Korean scare flicks out there.
30.
CORPSE BRIDE
A kiddie cartoon pivoting on
necrophilia? Only Tim Burton could get away with such a concoction (and frankly
I’m a bit surprised the moral majority didn’t come out against this film the way
they did with BAD SANTA and KINSLEY). Burton conceived and co-directed CORPSE
BRIDE, and his fingerprints are all over this account of a nervous groom (voiced
by Johnny Depp) inadvertently calling up a dead woman (voiced by Helena Bonham
Barter) who falls in love with him. The stop motion animation is impressive and
the film features many neat dark-hued vistas and endearing undead characters.
The whole thing is pleasing enough, but, as is becoming increasingly common with
Burton’s films, it falls down in the script area: the poorly structured story is
a mess and the finale a real flatline.
31.
ASYLUM
An adaptation of Patrick McGrath’s
1997 novel that’s probably destined to be best known for its troubled production
history, during which Stephen King wrote a draft of the script that was
discarded, and Liam Neeson was set to play a pivotal role but didn’t. The film
that emerged is a solid one, with Natasha Richardson acting up a storm as a
discontented housefrow embarking on an affair with a wife murdering inmate of an
insane asylum her husband runs. This naturally throws everybody’s lives into
turmoil, with the inmate showing violent tendencies and Natasha finding her own
mental state deteriorating. Of course she looks GREAT throughout, with a
plethora of revealing outfits and nudity a’plenty, and furthermore manages to
create a fairly sympathetic character (whereas in the book the woman came off as
little more than a cold-hearted bitch). The atmosphere, alas, may be a bit too
dour for its own good--this film is so grim it makes David Cronenberg’s
adaptation of McGrath’s SPIDER look warm ‘n fuzzy by comparison.
32.
INFECTION [KANSEN]
This J-horror flick is short on
coherency but excels in spectacularly gruesome imagery. It’s set in a hospital
where a freaky contagion is loose that makes people go crazy and turns their
insides to green goo; the doctors try to cover up the mounting deaths but
inevitably become infected themselves. Writer/director Masayuki Ochiai (THE
HYPNOTIST) really knows how to set a mood and concoct disturbing sights, but
he’s far less adept at telling a story. The film is never particularly
compelling and narrative-wise all-but falls apart by the end. It’s one
seriously creepy piece of work nonetheless, playing ingeniously on our fears of
hospitals, disease and doctors.
33. STAY
This JACOB’S LADDERish hallucinatory
thriller isn’t a complete success, but it is quite unique, and, considering the
woeful lack of originality in most of today’s genre fare, I’m inclined to grade
on a curve. It’s about a shrink (Ewan MacGregor) treating a suicidal patient
(Ryan Gosling) who somehow manages to loosen MacGregor’s already tenuous grip on
reality. The hardworking Naomi Watts is also on hand (in her fourth film of
’05), playing an art teacher somehow caught up in Gosling’s spell. All manner
of strangeness ensues, bolstered by a plethora of hallucinatory
flourishes--compulsive lap dissolves, shots repeated over and over, sudden
identity shifts--that become clear only in the final scene. Provocative stuff,
and the performances are solid, but director Marc Foster (MONSTER’S BALL,
FINDING NEVERLAND) has bitten off more than he can chew. He appears to be
trying for something along the lines of the Nicolas Roeg films THE MAN WHO FELL
TO EARTH and BAD TIMING, but lacks Roeg’s elusive genius. Foster also
relies too heavily on CGI to make his
points, which in my view is usually always a mistake--the abovementioned JACOB’S
LADDER, you’ll remember, accomplished its effects in camera, and was all the
more effective for it.
34.
DERAILED
Trashy fun. DERAILED is a natural
for neo-noir mavens, being the Jim Thompson-esque account of a seemingly
contented yuppie (Clive Owen) who gets in over his head when he embarks on an
affair with a hot chick (Jennifer Aniston) and ends up blackmailed by a
slimeball (Vincent Cassel) who busts in on ‘em just as they’re about to screw.
(Moral: when in a hotel room, always bolt the upper lock!) I’m probably giving
this film too much credit by evoking the great Jim Thompson, but it does
rigorously follow the noir rulebook, which states that even the most contented
family man is capable of the most heinous acts of blackmail, mayhem and
murder...and will go to any length to dispose of a corpse, regardless of whether
he
actually committed the murder, or if it might
better serve him to simply call the cops. The script also pays lip service to
the noirish idea that sexually active women always have ulterior
motives. Aniston is the weak link here, failing miserably as a femme fatale--I
actually found the actress who plays Owen’s wife more alluring.
35. HOUSE
OF WAX
The latest from Dark Castle
productions, the Joel Silver/Robert Zemeckis run outfit responsible for bummers
like the THIRTEEN GHOSTS and HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL remakes, as well as GHOST
SHIP and GOTHIKA. HOUSE OF WAX is probably DC’s most accomplished film to date,
but it went down in flames at the box office. That’s largely due, I would
guess, to the boneheaded casting of Paris Hilton in a supporting role, which
nearly put me off seeing it. I’m kind of glad I managed to overcome my
reluctance, as it contains lots of memorably yucky imagery, particularly during
the climax, wherein the title environ literally melts (it ain’t called a House
of Wax for nothing) in a scene worthy of
Terry Gilliam. Yes, I wish the film
had more of a story, and that the characters weren’t so relentlessly
one-dimensional, but it’s encouraging to see a Hollywood genre fest that so
proudly flaunts its R rating.
36.
DOMINION: AN EXORCIST PREQUEL
I’ll admit that initially I didn’t
much care for this, the original Paul Schrader version of the EXORCIST prequel
that was reshot and recut (poorly) by Renny Harlin last year. Schrader’s film
has stayed with me, however, particularly the ending, when Stellan Skarsgaard as
a young Father Merrin stops schlepping around an African village (as he does for
most of the movie) and gets down to confronting evil in a surprisingly poetic
special effects packed showdown. The film certainly looks good, having been
photographed by the great Vittorio Storaro, but it’s far from the thoughtful
horror fest it was advertised as, being more of a tortured rumination on faith
and evil with all the charm of Ingmar Bergman on downers.
And so ends my Best list, but while we’re on the subject, do check out these...
Other
Recommended Movies from 2005:
OLIVER
TWIST
American moviegoers
completely ignored Roman Polanski’s tough, gritty adaptation of Dickens’
classic, but it’s a memorable piece of work that proves the old perv has lost
none of his filmmaking prowess.
CRASH
This unabashedly bombastic,
melodramatic ensemble piece contains echoes of filmmakers like Paul Thomas
Anderson and Spike Lee, but manages to distill the best of both...even if there
does exist a much better film bearing the same title!
THE
CONSTANT GARDNER
Not quite the masterpiece so many
critics branded it, but still a powerful thriller with good performances and
impressive filmmaking by CITY OF GOD’S Fernando Meirelles.
KISS KISS,
BANG BANG
Many critics again made more out of
this one than it deserved, but its enjoyable fluff from writer-director Shane
Black, who knows his way around the neo-noir landscape and has a real flair for
comic dialogue.
3-IRON
[BIN-JIP]
From Korea’s foremost cinematic
madman Kim Di-Duk, a quirky love story with deeply unsettling overtones that
should resonate with viewers of previous Duk freak-outs like
THE ISLE and
BAD
GUY.
WHERE THE
TRUTH LIES
Canada’s brilliant, idiosyncratic
Atom Egoyan works his unique magic on this complex account of secrets and lies
in seventies Whoreywood.
PALINDROMES
The latest from Todd Solandz, and
one of ‘05’s absolute weirdest releases, about an odyssey through hick America
taken by a young woman played by several different actresses.
GRIZZLY
MAN
A fascinating
Werner Herzog
documentary about the late Timothy Treadwell, a Grizzly Bear fanatic who, Herzog
makes clear, was totally deluded in his views, a delusion that cost him his
life.
KINGDOM OF
HEAVEN (Uncut)
The three-hour version of Ridley Scott’s
epic, briefly released in LA around Christmastime and soon to make its way onto
DVD, is a BIG improvement over the heavily cut abomination that played last
summer.
WAL-MART:
THE HIGH COST OF LOW PRICE
An admirable muck-raking documentary
that examines one of the most insidious forces at work in America today: the
vile, money-grubbing superstore chain Wal-Mart. For those interested in a
real horror story.
CYPHER &
NOTHING
Two visionary and imaginative sci fi
mindbenders from CUBE director Vincenzo Natali. The paranoid CYPHER suffers
somewhat from an overly complicated storyline while the darkly comedic NOTHING
labors under a misconceived first act, but both come highly recommended
nonetheless.
And, as if that weren’t enough, let’s check out some...
Recommended
DVD Releases from 2005:
BAD BOY
BUBBY
Rolf de Heer’s demented 1994 Aussie
masterpiece is an absolute must-own for any true horror fan--regarding
Blue Underground’s DVD release, my only question is: what the Hell took so
long?
KING KONG
You can’t go wrong with the big guy,
in his original and definitive form, complimented by well chosen extras.
THE DEVILS
The DVD transfer, by an independent
outfit I’ve never heard of, leaves much to be desired, but it includes many
long-censored bits, and this Ken Russell classic is essential viewing in any
form.
THE
KINGDOM
FINALLY, Lars Von Trier’s incredible
Danish mini-series (the inspiration for Stephen King’s middling KINGDOM
HOSPITAL) makes its way to domestic DVD.
THE “NEW”
TWILIGHT ZONE (SEASONS 1 & 2-3)
Essential acquisitions for any genre
buff, these two multi-DVD sets comprise the entire run of CBS’s ground-breaking
(and still-unsurpassed) TWILIGHT ZONE redo from the mid eighties.
THE
MANSION OF MADNESS
Near-indescribable surreal insanity
from Mexico’s Juan Lopez Moctezuma, now readily available from the good folks at
Mondo Macabro.
CANNIBAL
HOLOCAUST
The granddaddy of all cannibal
movies gets the deluxe DVD treatment courtesy of Grindhouse Releasing. A must.
AFTERMATH
/ GENESIS
Two eye-opening shorts from Spain’s
Nacho Cerda, a true cinemaniac. Take heed: the deeply felt yet deeply
disturbing AFTERMATH contains some of the most intense gore you’ll ever
experience.
WHO CAN
KILL A CHILD?
Another independent DVD release of
an essential film, this one a creepy Spanish horror-fest presented in a
surprisingly good transfer and, more importantly, uncut!
THE CANDY
SNATCHERS
A grindhouse classic digitally
mastered in stellar form and featuring frank audio commentary from two of its
principal actresses (one of whom admits she “could have lived without it”).
FREAKED
This whacked-out Alex Winter/Tom
Stern yukfest, a longtime fave, makes its long-awaited bow on DVD, complete with
a mind-blowing assortment of extras.
CRAZY LOVE
A sensitive and romantic Belgian
import pivoting around masturbation, physical deformity and necrophilia--there’s
never been another film like this one! Thanks again to Mondo Macabro.
LONG
WEEKEND
Synapse did its usual exceptional
job on this atmospheric Australian genre classic, with a disk that looks and
sounds top notch.
THE BIRD
WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE
A two-disk special edition of Dario
Argento’s debut thriller from the late sixties. Quite simply: you need one!!
SEASON OF
THE WITCH
This isn’t George Romero’s best
film, but is worth a look for discerning horrorphiles--plus, as a bonus, Anchor
Bay’s DVD release contains Romero’s “lost” seventies drama THERE’S ALWAYS
VANILLA.
A BELL
FROM HELL
A better-late-than-never release of
a true masterpiece of Spanish horror. I just wish Pathfinder’s print were more
complete (it runs 92 minutes, far less than the initial running time of 106).
LEOLO
This grotesque yet undeniably
fascinating free-form ramble from French-Canadian auteur Jean-Claude Lauzon is
another must-own, even if Image gave it a little-publicized release that will
probably go out of print very soon...so grab one ASAP!
SCHOOL OF
THE HOLY BEAST
Easily one of the strongest, most
stylish nunsploitation flicks I’ve seen. Kudos to Cult Epics for digging up
this little-known Japanese classic.
THE
FERNANDO ARRABAL COLLECTION
Another breathtaking Cult Epics release,
this box set brings together three films by the Spanish genius/madman
Fernando Arrabal: VIVA LA MUERTE, I WILL WALK LIKE A CRAZY HORSE (surreal masterworks
both) and THE GUERNICA TREE (not as potent, but still well worth your time).
And so there end my recommendations. Now it’s time to turn to the opposite end of the spectrum--let’s give a big Bronx cheer for...
The Worst Horror Movies of 2005:
1. THE JACKET
Perhaps I’m wrong in picking this
faux indie as the worst of the year, as it’s reasonably well done from a visual
standpoint, but the fact is no other film from ‘05 irritated, insulted and
infuriated me like this one. It features one of the year’s best casts (Adrien
Brody, Keira Knightley, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Kris Kristofferson) and what
looked like a substantial budget in service of a hopelessly half baked,
unimaginative script that cribs freely from TWELVE MONKEYS and DONNIE DARKO (I’m
tempted to add Jack London’s 1915 novel THE STAR ROVER, as its basic premise has
much in common with this film’s, but I don’t entirely believe its makers can
read). Brody plays a Gulf War vet who becomes the subject of an experimental
psychiatric treatment that involves being put in a straightjacket and shut in a
tiny space. This apparently gives him the ability to travel through time (time
travel is all the rage in recent indie flicks), during which he meddles with the
life of a depressed waitress (Knightley). There’s a happy ending, of course,
and an obnoxiously sappy one at that. An exceedingly smug and cynical product
that doesn’t leave a single cliché unturned, this bummer was one of the most
widely publicized releases at the 2005 Sundance Film Festival, which says much
about the state of independent filmmaking in America, none of it encouraging.
2. A
SOUND OF THUNDER
Ray Bradbury’s classic story “A
Sound of Thunder” was about men from the future traveling back in time to shoot
a dinosaur, during which one of them inadvertently steps on a butterfly, which
changes the course of history. With this film, Hollywood did what it usually
does with great (or even good) fiction of any stripe: gutted and dumbed it down
exponentially. Here, instead of returning to a changed future after crushing
the butterfly, the protagonists arrive back in the same world they left, but
their meddling in the past has somehow unleashed “time waves” that change
everything gradually, thus providing for some showy special effects.
Correction: the effects here are hardly special. In fact, this film contains
quite possibly the shoddiest CGI work I’ve ever seen, with goofy looking
dinosaurs apparently on loan from THE LAND OF THE LOST and futuristic cityscapes
that belong in a video game. I won’t even go into the hopelessly implausible
and inconsistent narrative, which ignores any and all time travel laws (how is
it, for instance, that the heroes are able to time travel back to the scene of
the dinosaur killing again and again but not see themselves?) or the hopelessly
befuddled performances (this is the only time I’ve ever felt sorry
for the much-hated Edward Burns). For all that, I’m actually surprised Warner
Bros. dumped the film. It is, after all, everything modern studio executives
seem to strive for: relentlessly moronic, derivative, contemptuous of its
audience and all-too-eager to cut costs when and wherever it can--in short,
virtually the apotheosis of modern day Hollywood moviemaking.
3.
BOOGEYMAN
A kid’s dad is killed by a scary
critter who lives in his closet; years later, as an adult, the protagonist still
finds himself haunted by the thing and-—oh, why bother recounting this lame
movie’s plot? There really isn’t one, after all, just a bunch of overdone
“scare” scenes in search of a narrative (gotta watch out for those cats jumping
outta closets!), leading to a none-too-climactic climax involving one of the
goofiest looking CGI monsters on record. Produced by Sam Raimi, who refused to
allow his name to appear in the credits of the mini classic
DEAD NEXT DOOR,
which he financed, yet proudly lent to this turd. (Go figure.)
4. THE
AMITYVILLE HORROR
A perilous waste of celluloid that
wouldn’t scare a fly. Not that the original AMITYVILLE BORE was all that great
or even good, but it’s a masterpiece compared to this remake. Ryan Reynolds
embarrasses himself as George Lutz, who inspired this “true story” about morons
who move into a scary house where years earlier a nut murdered his family. The
dead folks still haunt the house, of course, thus allowing the filmmakers to
borrow liberally from the Asian horror boom (a pasty little girl has a tendency
to appear out of nowhere a la THE EYE and THE GRUDGE), which woefully
fails to prop up this uninspired spectacle.
5. THE
FOG
Another remake of a film that wasn’t
great to begin with. The simple fact is, fog rarely ever makes for a
compelling nemesis. Exceptions to that rule include James Herbert’s 1975 novel
THE FOG and Stephen King’s novella
THE MIST, either of which would make for
excellent movie source material, unlike John Carpenter’s lackluster 1980 flick
THE FOG. That film, you’ll remember, was about ghost pirates who menace a
seaside town through fog; so is this one, an overdirected and underwhelming
would-be chiller, with SMALLVILLE’S Tom Welling looking barely awake in the lead
role.
6. THE
EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE
A seriously dull, by-the-numbers
exorcism drama whose charms are adequately summed up by the absurdly literal
title. Notable only for fact that the filmmakers inexplicably managed to rope
in top flight actors like Laura Linney and Tom Wilkinson (I hope they were well
paid), and that Sony milked some serious box office revenue by aggressively
marketing to the same religious crowd who lined Mel Gibson’s pockets a year
earlier.
7. THE
CAVE
A bunch of dweebs descend into an
underground cave, where they’re menaced by dimly seen critters. That’s pretty
much all there is to this tenth-rate ALIENS wannabe. THE CAVE is barely
passable as straight-to-video product, so how in God’s name did it get a wide
theatrical release? Possibly because studio executives knew moviegoers would
have a fun time shouting out the character’s names along with the actors (“Jack!”
“Charlie!” “Tyler!”)--and indeed, on that level, at least, I enjoyed
it.
8. HIDE
AND SEEK
HIDE AND SEEK is another uninspiring
(to say the least) effort, with acting-legend-turned-paycheck-whore Robert De
Niro as the father of a weird Kid (Dakota Fanning) who’s retreated into her own
world after the death of her mother. She develops an imaginary friend named
Charlie, and more killings occur. There’s a “twist” ending of course (which I
figured out in the first five minutes), followed by a ridiculous nighttime
chase. Thus we have THE SIXTH SENSE meets THE SHINING, a pitch that must have
pleased Fox executives to no end, but makes for a deadening viewing experience.
9. DOOM
DOOM was one of the most
ground-breaking and influential video games of all time, so of course Hollywood
had to go and spend nearly $100 million on a movie version that’s
undistinguished in every respect. What passes for a story is little more than a
succession of clichés about folks in an underground fortress getting chased
around by monsters. The one time the filmmakers explicitly reference the first
person carnage of the game is in a climactic bit that only lasts a few minutes,
a clear-cut case of too little, too late.
10. DARK
WATER
Rarely has there ever been a more
clear-cut cinematic disaster: the original Nabuo Nakagawa helmed DARK WATER was
mediocre at best, and Hollyweird J-horror remakes rarely ever approach, much
less surpass, their source material. Nor did it help matters that director
Walter Salles publicly distanced himself from the film before it even opened.
And is it just me, or is Jennifer Connolly here playing essentially the same
dour, brooding role she did in her last four or five films? This is every bit
the clunker I was anticipating, a nonsensical, water-logged account of a
disgraced (though extremely photogenic) single mother and her kid moving into a
creepy building where a ghost is afoot.
11.
UNDEAD
Aussie horror: an extraterrestrial
conflagration invades a small town, causing its inhabitants to rise from the
dead. Yes, it’s yet ANOTHER zombie flick in a movie season that has already
seen more than its share. The film is every bit as dull and derivative as you
might expect, and has more cheesy CGI effects than just about anything in recent
memory. There are some interesting developments in the third act, in particular
a flight through a mass of floating zombies, but that doesn’t excuse the fact
that the whole thing is so tired. It’s possible I might have enjoyed UNDEAD
more had I not already seen EVIL DEAD 2, SHAUN OF THE DEAD and the entire
filmography of Peter Jackson, but I have and I didn’t.
12. MAN
WITH THE SCREAMING BRAIN
Here it is, the long-awaited feature
directorial debut by the “King of all horror media” Bruce Campbell, and I wish I
could say it was even kind of good. I can forgive the cheesy digital stock,
tacky synthesizer score, laughable special effects and stilted performances (the
film was produced by the Sci Fi Channel after all, for whom such things are par
the course). What I can’t forgive is the fact that this alleged horror-comedy
just doesn’t contain many laughs. Bruce Campbell, as anyone who’s ever read his
books (IF CHINS COULD KILL and MAKE LOVE THE BRUCE CAMPBELL WAY) or seen his
convention appearances well knows, is a damn funny guy. Furthermore, a retro
B-movie about an American asshole who gets stabbed to death by a psycho bitch
from Hell and then brought back to
life with the brain of another of the
PBFH’s victims, a Bulgarian communist, “Lincoln Logged” to his own, would seem
like a natural for the star of BUBBA HO-TEP. All he provides, however, is a
snail paced succession of lame gags…and I know he can do better!
13. THE
BROTHERS GRIMM
Easily the worst movie Terry Gilliam
has ever made. Perhaps that’s due to the fact that it came seven years after
Gilliam’s last completed movie (‘98’s FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS), or maybe
it was the fault of the Brothers Weinstein (Gilliam: “I’m used to riding
roughshod over executives, but the Weinsteins ran roughshod over me”). In any
event, the film is a rare misfire from one of my all-time favorite filmmakers.
The Brothers Grimm are fascinating historical personages, so why the HELL did
Gilliam and screenwriter Ehren Kruger ignore the Grimms’ real-life history and
concoct a dumb-assed story that clumsily weaves in themes from several of the
Grimms’ most famous tales? Matt Damon and Heath Ledger in the lead roles
woefully fail to create memorable characters, and the narrative is nonsensical,
involving Monica Bellucci as a decaying queen looking to reform herself via
cheesy CGI. Gilliam’s visual genius shines through here and there (near the end
there’s a neat bit involving a broken mirror and a perverse riff on “The
Gingerbread Man”), but this is a disaster he really should have seen coming.
Hopefully his upcoming TIDELAND will be better.
14. HELLBENT
A slasher flick of note because it’s
a gay splatter film set during a celebration in West Hollywood, or “WeHo”,
apparently the gay capitol of the universe. Many commentators have overrated
this film due, I assume, to political correctness, but in reality it’s every bit
as mindless and trashy as most hetero splatter flicks. It does, however, have
its moments: the many graphic beheadings are well carried off, there’s an
ingenious gag involving a glass eye and the color scheme is gaudy enough to give
SUSPIRIA a serious run for its money in that area. That’s in spite of the cheap
digital photography, which, combined with all the guy-on-guy action, often gave
me the uncomfortable feeling I was watching gay porn.
15. THE
TOOLBOX MURDERS
Apparently Tobe Hooper’s “comeback”
film. Gee, I thought LIFEFORCE was supposed to be his big comeback--no, wait,
it was THE MANGLER. No, it was SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION. In short, THE TOOLBOX
MURDERS is actually the latest in a long line of Hooper films meant to finally
make good on the promise of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE...and, like all the
others, it’s a bust. Actually, it’s not a total bust, as it’s at least well
cast, with MAY’S lovably quirky Angela Bettis doing wonders with the
underwritten lead role. Also appearing are
the equally quirky Juliet Landau (late
of ED WOOD), Rance Howard (Ron’s dad) and Sherri Moon (Rob Zombie’s beau, also
in THE DEVIL’S REJECTS). All do what they can, but the film is dumb, uninspired
and clichéd, with Bettis moving into a creepy apartment building where a nut is
loose who mutilates babes with household appliances. This is of course an
extremely loose remake of the old grindhouse flick of the same name, but that
film, while no masterpiece, was at least unique, unpredictable and genuinely
shocking--all things this one isn’t.
16.
CURSED
Wes Craven’s CURSED, from a script
by SCREAM’S one-trick-pony Kevin Williamson, might as well be called SCOOBY DOO
3. Scooby Doo, after all, seems to be Williamson’s prime inspiration, with
plucky teens trying to solve a spooky mystery, topped off by a silly twist
ending where the baddie is unmasked--this being a werewolf movie, there are also
talking dogs, thus completing the Scooby Doo analogy. Here Craven and
Williamson desperately try to recapture the SCREAM magic with a vacant-eyed
teenybopper cast plucked largely from WB programs (fans of THE GILMORE GIRLS,
SMALLVILLE and DAWSON’S CREEK will notice many familiar faces), lots of
self-consciously “clever” pop-culture inflected dialogue and a gratuitous guest
appearance by Scott Baio (in place of SCREAM’S Henry Winkler). Since I hated
SCREAM from the start you can guess what my feelings for this PG-13 rated film
are. From a first-time filmmaker it might be tolerable, but from a thirty year
veteran like Wes Craven it’s downright embarrassing. CURSED does, however,
contain one invaluable asset: a sleek and seductive Christina Ricci in the lead
role, proving once again that she’s one of the most vital young actresses on the
scene, even if her script choosing abilities are about on par with those of
Pauly Shore.
17. ONE
MISSED CALL [CHAKUSHIN ARI]
Takashi Miike tries his hand at a
RING wannabe (apparently we haven’t seen enough of those already) with
underwhelming results. ONE MISSED CALL starts out promisingly, with atmospheric
visuals and a premise involving a series of suspicious cell phone calls with
future call dates; when that future date arrives, the phone’s owner invariably
meets his or her end. Intriguing stuff, although the deaths are pretty silly
and always involve lame CGI. That’s nothing, though, compared to the chaotic
third act, in which ghosts show up with fingers that bend all the way back,
sharp spears are stuck through peepholes, a woman tortures a man in a hospital
bed and a secret is revealed. It seems Miike was unsure of how to end the film
and so decided to just throw everything and the kitchen sink into the mix.
18. THE
SKELETON KEY
One of three crummy Ehren Kruger
scripted flicks from ‘05--THE BROTHERS GRIMM and RING 2 are the others, both of
which also made my worst list. Gee, you think maybe this guy might not
be the horror genius Hollywood seems to think he is? To be fair, THE SKELETON
KEY has impressive visuals courtesy of director Ian Softly, and Kate Hudson
(normally not one of my favorites) is quite engaging in the lead, but
both are in service of a dopey story about witchcraft in Louisiana that
concludes with yet another completely unbelievable twist (as if there weren’t
enough of those already in this year’s movies). Nowadays the film, shot in and
around New Orleans, works best as a time capsule, although a climactic flood has
disquieting associations unintended by the moviemakers.
19. KONTROLL
A good looking but ponderous
Hungarian thriller that falls somewhere between THE WARRIORS and SUBWAY. It
takes place entirely within the confines of a big city subway system, whose
employees lead a rough and tumble existence. We see them attempting to get
passengers to show them their tickets in scenes that drag on far too long and
invariably climax in breakneck action set pieces. One employee sleeps on subway
platforms and becomes involved in a supernatural drama involving a cute chick
who runs around in a bear costume and an otherworldly presence that has a
tendency to push people into the paths of oncoming trains. In its favor, the
film has fantastic visuals bequeathed by ever-present neon lighting and director
Nimrod Antal’s impeccable eye for composition, but otherwise it’s not very
compelling.
20. MINDHUNTERS
This Renny Harlin film, which sat on
the shelf for over a year prior to its US release, is a slick and enjoyable
B-movie, at least until script deficiencies overwhelm it. The players are a
colorful gang of FBI profilers who find themselves trapped on a tiny island
during a seemingly routine training exercise, where they’re killed off by an
unseen assailant. Evidently this killer can read all the participants’ minds
and predict exactly when they’ll be in a particular place (ticking clocks figure
a lot in this film, and always seem set to the exact time the designated victim
arrives at his or her place of death). There’s also a hokey fight that wraps
things up on a low note; a shame, since most of the film is quite well made and
has some truly startling moments, most notably the early death of a pivotal
character, as shocking in its own way as Samuel L. Jackson’s infamous demise in
Harlin’s DEEP BLUE SEA.
21. FLIGHTPLAN
A seriously dumb airplane-set
thriller, something of a companion piece to the year’s other silly air travel
horror pic RED EYE. FLIGHT PLAN isn’t quite as persuasive, however, and in the
end makes RED EYE seem like a model of intelligence. The set-up has Jodie
Foster as a recently widowed woman traveling with her young daughter on a
state-of-the-art plane she designed. Actually, the plane in this movie is
closer to a flying cruise ship, which leaves plenty of places for Foster and the
flight crew to search through when her kid goes missing. But then crewmembers
begin insisting the kid never boarded the plane, and in fact died several days
earlier. All this is cheesily entertaining enough, but the third act, in which
the explanation to the disappearance finally makes itself apparent, is plain
ludicrous, bringing up far more questions than it answers.
22. DEAD
BIRDS
A Civil War-set account of bank
robbers getting their comeuppance in a haunted house, a film everyone and their
grandmother has been proclaiming a horror masterpiece. The photography is good,
I’ll give it that much--for once the night-for-night shots actually look
like real night, with nary a blue filter in sight--but the narrative consists
largely of a repetitive series of stalk ‘n scare scenes of the type we’ve all
seen a billion times. Worse, I couldn’t work up an iota of interest in any of
the characters, all of whom suffer from the Mumbling Actor syndrome. (Note to
performers: it doesn’t matter how “realistically” you deliver your lines if
nobody can hear ‘em!)
23. THE
RING 2
First of all, this film isn’t quite
as awful as everyone says it is. The director was Nabuo Nakagawa, who directed
the Japanese RINGU films, and graces this movie with compelling dark-hued
visuals far beyond those of the Gore Verbinski-helmed RING. But then there’s
the issue of the crummy Ehren Kruger script, which is little more than a retread
of the previous RING, complete with a climactic climb up an old well. I
understand a RING 3 is in the works--here’s an idea: why not go back to the
original RING novels by Koji Suzuki, which have recently been published in
English, in scripting the upcoming film? They’re far beyond anything Kruger
seems able to come up with, after all.
24. HARRY
POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE
It seems that by now the truth is
out, or should be: Harry Potter on screen simply ***does not*** work.
No, I haven’t read the books, but their translations to film always seem to come
with plot holes the size of New Orleans, innumerable incoherencies and
perfunctory characterizations...and this one, supposedly the best of the series,
is no different. Certainly director Mike Newell accomplishes some interesting
things herein--unlike the previous helmers Chris Columbus and Alfonso Cuaron,
Newell is a Brit, and this is the only one of these British-centric films that
actually feels British--but there’s only so much he can do with a script
so hopelessly fragmented and inconsistent. Example: just what are Harry
P.’s friends doing floating at the bottom of that lake? It’s something I
understand was fleshed out in the book, but comes off muddled and incoherent in
the film.
25. SAW
II
Many pundits claim this sequel to
last year’s SAW is superior to the original. I don’t concur. Yes, this SAW has
a more streamlined narrative and some genuinely demented grue (quite a few
mainstream critics were freaked out by this film, seeing it as a harbinger of
the apocalypse, a sure sign it’s doing its job), but lacks the energy of the
previous film, which despite its flaws was at least made with gusto. Here a
bunch of ex-cons are shut in a house infected with nerve gas, and have to find
an antidote before they all drop dead or kill each other off. Fun, bloodthirsty
stuff marred by sub par direction that insists upon telegraphing horrific
moments with pointless jump cuts that accomplish nothing but annoyance.
26.
CONSTANTINE
CONSTANTINE is the Hollywood
adaptation of DC’s HELLBLAZER comics, and while the film is far from perfect,
it’s interesting enough to nearly overcome the patchwork screenplay and woeful
miscasting of Keanu Reeves in the title role. First time director Francis
Lawrence has a flair for horrific visuals, and the film has real style, with CGI
that for once manages to startle, long after (having sat through the deadening
VAN HELSING and many of the films listed above) I’d concluded that was no longer
possible. I just wish the film had a better script than the one it’s saddled
with, a confused and confusing mess that seems determined to twist the material
into a horror themed MATRIX redo. With all the infernal brilliance on display
in the comics, it seems downright inexplicable that this is the best the
screenwriters could do. I said the script was confused, which is evident in
Constantine’s final voice-over where he recalls being killed twice, when in fact
I counted at least three deaths. Two pivotal characters aren’t even
introduced until the last twenty minutes and another is totally forgotten by the
time the final good-evil confrontation rolls around, while the ending is such a
jumble that a crucial event is saved until after the end credits. I’d recommend
reading the novelization by John Shirley, which doesn’t overcome the script’s
clumsiness, but at least clarifies some of it.
27.
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
This Tim Burton remake of WILLIE
WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY has great moments, and at times looked like it
might surpass the original, but ultimately lost ground with scripter Jon
August’s obnoxious screenwriting 101-tinged reworking of the story. This
movie’s Willie Wonka isn’t allowed to be a mysterious eccentric like he was in
the original book and film (both of which worked fine, thank you very much!) but
is given a dumb back story with problems that are meticulously (and
unconvincingly) worked out. It also annoyed me that we had to see the bad kids
leaving the factory in the end, when our final view of them getting their just
desserts inside would have worked far better, as it did in the book and previous
film. Burton and August also insert a heavy-handed message about the importance
of family, when the material already had its share of messages to begin
with! That said the film contains quite a few wonderfully imaginative, eye
popping elements, and overall has a far darker, scarier tone than the original.
Furthermore, Danny Elfman’s score is one of his best in some time.
Thankfully, that ends my Worst list. In the
meantime, we’re
Still Waiting On...
A SCANNER
DARKLY
Richard Linklatter’s Philip K. Dick adaptation was supposed to be released last
spring but got pushed back a year.
TIDELAND
Terry Gilliam’s latest, made concurrently with THE BROTHERS GRIMM.
V FOR
VENDETTA
The release of this Wachowski Brothers penned film version of Alan Moore’s
graphic novel was delayed in the wake of the London subway bombings.
VITAL
Shinya Tsukamoto’s latest, which alone should be enough of a recommendation.
SYMPATHY
FOR LADY VENGEANCE
Chanwook Park’s latest, which should likewise be all the info you need.
NIGHT
WATCH
The Russian special effects extravaganza that was supposed to be released last
summer by Fox, who launched an expensive publicity blitz--what the Hell happened
to it???
And finally...
THE MASTERS OF HORROR: An Overview
I usually don’t bother including TV reviews in these lists, as horror television normally isn’t very good (I haven’t watched SUPERNATURAL or GHOST WHISPERER, and don’t exactly feel deprived) and anyway I tend not to have time to watch much of it. In 2005, however, there was one small screen development too important to ignore: Showtime’s MASTERS OF HORROR anthology program. Created by Mick Garris, it gave genre legends like Carpenter, Dante, Argento, etc. each a ten day shooting schedule, an hour-long running time and total creative control. The series hit the air in October of ’05, and, predictably, the internet was immediately flooded with missives about how much it sucked. I don’t agree, but will acknowledge the series has been somewhat disappointing.
Here’s my brief (and admittedly incomplete--I haven’t seen all the episodes broadcast thus far) overview of the series:
“Incident on and off A Country Road” has BUBBA HO-TEP director Don Coscarelli going back to BUBBA creator Joe Lansdale for inspiration. Lansdale’s story is one of his more outrageous tales, being a wild and unfettered account of a survival trained woman going up against a freak called Moonface in a nighttime confrontation that grows increasingly outrageous--at one point the gal wards off Moonface with the corpse of a baby! I’ve thought about adapting this story myself, and so had a vested interest in how this episode would turn out. My verdict? Not bad, although Coscarelli leans a bit too heavily on hoary genre clichés (like the cheesy lightning flashes that occur every few seconds) and Moonface’s tacky dial-a-monster makeup is a constant annoyance. Still, Lansdale’s wild imagination has been transferred to the screen virtually intact, including the essential baby corpse gag.
In “Dreams in the Witch House” Stuart Gordon once again adapts H.P. Lovecraft, although Gordon’s B-movie sensibilities are so far removed from Lovecraft’s fiction I wonder why he even bothered. The story was a subtle and unnerving exercise in otherworldly disquiet, while Gordon’s adaptation is a sleazy outpouring of blood, nudity and human sacrifice. It’s somewhat dopily entertaining, but makes previous Gordon features like FROM BEYOND and DAGON look downright refined in comparison.
The once-great Tobe Hooper directed “Dance of the Dead”, adapted from a Richard Matheson story by the latter’s son Richard Christian, an extremely accomplished writer in his own right. Unfortunately the episode, about out-of-control teens loose in a futuristic society decimated by a manmade plague that causes the dead to rise, is curiously lifeless. That’s despite the extremely slick, even show-offy direction by Hooper (a long way from the down ‘n dirty aesthetic of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE).
Next up was Dario Argento’s “Jenifer”, a titillating bit of nonsense about a cop (Steven Weber, who also scripted) who becomes involved with a carnivorous catwoman. The episode’s sole reason for existence appears to be the copious sex and gore, as the story is a one note affair that concludes in the most predictable manner imaginable. Mildly entertaining, I guess, provided one is willing to completely shut down one’s brain for an hour.
Mick Garris wrote and directed “Chocolate”, a TWILIGHT ZONE-ish lark about a guy (Henry Thomas) who enters into a woman’s consciousness, seeing and feeling everything she does. As you might expect, there’s a twist ending. Slick, inoffensive and ultimately pretty forgettable stuff.
Joe Dante’s “Homecoming” is by far the most widely discussed of all the episodes, being a biting political satire. It’s about zombies of soldiers, killed in an overseas war waged by a corrupt American president, who rise up in an effort to vote the Pres out of office. In case you don’t get the real-life analogy, there’s also a miniskirted bimbette who shills shamelessly for the Republican Party (Ann Coulter, anyone?), and a right wing spinmeister who essentially functions as the president’s brain (Karl Rove?). "Homecoming" has already proven quite controversial, with those who appreciate Dante’s broad political satire (the Village Voice crowd went apeshit over it) opposed by those who’d have preferred he put his ideas into code. As for myself, I just wish “Homecoming” were a little better: it fails completely as horror, and there really isn’t much to it outside the wildly audacious premise--in other words, you’d be just as well off reading a plot summary as you would actually sitting through it. Plus, the lead actress is far too attractive to be convincing as a stand-in for the bony, self infatuated Ann Coulter.
Last is John Carpenter’s “Cigarette Burns”, which showcases some of JC’s best work in years. While many of the other filmmakers seemingly regarded their segments as diversions between their feature gigs, Carpenter, who hasn’t directed a movie in over five years, gave his all. His is the most thoughtful and atmospheric of all the episodes, and the creepiest by far, graced with a literate and imaginative script co-written by Drew McWeeny (a.k.a. Ain’t it Cool News’s Moriarty). It plays a lot like Carpenter’s 1994 flick IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS, with a movie buff contacted by a rich eccentric to track down an obscure film that drives whoever sees it into a murderous frenzy. As compelling as that premise is, it poses an inherent problem for the filmmaker: at some point he’ll have to show us at least part of the film in question, leading to inevitable disappointment. That was the case here when, toward the end, Carpenter grudgingly gives us a glimpse of the forbidden film, which did NOT drive me into a murderous frenzy. Nor does it help that, as in IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS, the final twenty or so minutes are taken up with an annoying succession of dreams within dreams that resolve nothing (VIDEODROME this isn’t). Still, the episode leaves a profoundly disquieting impression, demonstrating what’s possible in the hands of a true master of horror working at the height of his powers.
--1/15/06